Lana's List
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana wonders where she went wrong in her life. Pretty obvious if you think about it.


**The disclaimer telling you I don't own any Archer characters got shredded again. This takes place shortly after the story The Deadly Velvet Murders Special**

 **Lana's List **

"Hey Lana," Ray walked into Lana's office. "Want to go to lunch?"

"It's only ten thirty," Lana said. She was working on a piece of paper.

"Brunch then," Ray shrugged. "So how are you doing?"

"Not that good," Lana sighed. "Today AJ asked where her Daddy was. I told her that he was busy working. Fortunately, she bought it. Well more like got distracted by a cartoon but…"

"I would think that a coma was the opposite of being busy," Ray said.

"Well what am I supposed to tell her Ray?" Lana gave him a look. "That her father is in a coma because he got shot while screwing around with the woman who tried to frame me for murder?"

"Good point," Ray looked at the paper Lana was working on. "What's all this? What are you doing?"

"Trying to re-evaluate the mess that is my life," Lana groaned. "I've had five calls from my family this morning. None of them good."

"Uh oh," Ray winced.

"Yeah, **uh oh,"** Lana groaned. "Two from my parents. One from my judgmental-know it all sister. And two more from my aunts. One of them repeatedly asking what I was doing fooling around with a no account white boy."

"They saw the news piece on Veronica Deane didn't they?" Ray asked.

"Oh yeah," Lana sighed. "Including the brief but embarrassing mention of how I was considered a suspect. My sister got a lot of mileage out of **that** one!"

"That's not good," Ray winced.

"One of my aunts is calling all the eligible men she knows and putting them on speed dial," Lana groaned. "Archer's brief porn career did not go unnoticed."

"Didn't think it would," Ray sighed. "If it makes you feel any better the presidential candidates are having another Twitter war. And you know **that** will be the headline of the evening news."

"I'm afraid the damage is already done," Lana groaned. "On top of my family calls I had another one from County Day. And then Mallory took **that** call so she could bribe them again. So not looking forward to **that** conversation."

"That explains why Ms. Archer had this twitch in her eye," Ray looked out the door. "And was muttering something about paying for one drunken mistake for the rest of her life."

"The way things are going this might be the best schooling AJ will ever have," Lana groaned. "That's why I'm milking every day I can out of this. She's already good with numbers and is talking a lot more."

"I can imagine the vocabulary she has with **this group** ," Ray smirked. "Look it's going to be all right Lana. We've been in a lot worse messes than this one."

"I know it's just…" Lana sighed. "I don't know how I ended up in this mess."

"Really?" Ray snorted. "Pretty obvious if you **think** about it."

"What do you mean by **that?** " Lana barked.

"You're a detective," Ray smirked. "I'm sure you can figure it out."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"Coming through," Krieger was driving a small pallet of boxes labeled KRIEGER SPRINGS past Lana's door.

"Is Krieger doing that bottled water scam **again?"** Lana was stunned.

"Looks like it," Ray groaned. "I think I'm going off to the nearest bar."

"Again Ray, it's 10:30 in the **morning** ," Lana said.

"What's your point?" Ray asked before he left.

"This is my life. I'm a single mother in a weird dangerous job that barely pays anything whose sometime boyfriend is in a coma involved in a huge scandal. Working with crazy alcoholics. Where did I go wrong?" Lana sighed. "Oh wait…"

She wrote down a list on a piece of paper. "One, dropping out of graduate school to join an environmental protest group. Two, dropping out of the environmental protest group to join an illegal spy agency. Three, not following through on checking if the illegal spy agency was **legal** or not!"

Lana took a deep breath. "Four, working for an evil manipulative boss even though there was plenty of **legitimate** reasons for me to leave. Legal and otherwise."

"Five, dating the boss's son, an irresponsible childish alcoholic man whore. Several times. If you count all the times we broke up and made up separately."

"Six, dating Cyril. Both times."

"Seven. Having sex with Barry who became an insane cyborg."

"Eight…Having sex with Pam. Then again, the sex was good…But then she blabbed about it for weeks so…Yeah. It's kind of a tie on that one."

"Nine, getting involved in a cocaine cartel/country music star/arms dealing/San Marcos coup scheme."

"Ten, stealing Archer's sperm to have a baby. Honestly now that I think about it, that was pretty unnecessary. Considering how much he **gives** it away on a daily basis."

"Eleven, working for the CIA. Yeah **that** was a career killer if there ever was one."

"Twelve, dating Archer again. Despite all the evidence that he wasn't ready to be in a real, lasting relationship!"

"Thirteen, having my unregistered gun in my purse when I went to deliver Jewish pastry to try and get my daughter into County Day!"

"Fourteen, having Mallory babysit my daughter."

"Fifteen, becoming a private detective. An unlicensed private detective. Working for my ex-boyfriend Cyril."

"KRIEGER! WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?" Cyril's voice was heard. "ARE YOU DOING THAT DAMN BOTTLED WATER SCHEME AGAIN?"

"I thought it would be a good way to bring in extra income," Krieger was heard. "I've already made two thousand dollars promoting Krieger Springs!"

"Good you can pay the damn water bill!" Cyril snapped. "I guess this explains why it's so high!"

"Krieger what did we say the **last time** you tried this scam?" Mallory was heard shouting.

Krieger replied. "Not to get caught?"

Lana sighed. "Sixteen, being friends with Krieger."

"CHERYL, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SETTING FIRES IN THE WASTEBASKET!" Cyril screamed.

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl screamed.

"YES I AM!" Cyril shouted.

"Since when?" Cheryl asked. This resulted in an agonized scream from Cyril.

Lana sighed again. "Seventeen. Being friends with…Knowing Cheryl!"

"Eighteen, getting involved in that whole Deadly Velvet mess in the **first place!"**

"Nineteen, allowing Archer to run after Veronica Deane like I **knew** he would!"

Lana looked at the list. "Wow. When you list it all at once and write it down…That's a **lot** of mistakes!"

Lana blinked. "Damn it. Ray was right. It is pretty obvious!"

"I SWEAR TO GOD ONE DAY I WILL MURDER YOU ALL!" Mallory was heard shouting. "If this one isn't setting fires! Then this other one is doing **something** illegal and everyone else is goofing off! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!"

"Is that so?" An unfamiliar voice was heard.

"Oh…" Cyril was heard. "Hello officers…"

"Is this **yours?** " A policeman was heard.

"PAM!" Mallory shouted.

"I was just handing out leaflets for the agency in a bikini," Pam was heard. "Nothing illegal about that!"

"It is if you're throwing the leaflets all over the place," Another policeman was heard. "Including the street. And taking off your bikini top!"

"So I'm guessing there's a public nudity charge as well as a littering charge?" Cyril sighed.

"As well as causing a mild three car pileup on the street!" The officer snapped. "What is all that on that pallet?"

"Just water," Krieger said innocently. "Nothing but water…"

"Twenty," Lana wrote. "Not leaving these idiots when I had the chance!"


End file.
